As a person who has spent the last 24 years as a thriving, happy, wildly independent person, I find it especially odd and upsetting that I suddenly find the thought of a life full of a marriage, children, and home not all that wildly out of the picture for myself. I've never had a problem being single, nor have I ever had a problem with being poor or void of materialistic wealth. But in the last few months, post break-up of the first "future possibility," I find myself pining for something that I have not considered to even be in my cards. I have always found myself too proud to declare a need or even a want for a man to make my life seem complete. But when reality is hitting you from every possible direction and friends and family are growing up, maturing into their "adult lives" that we used to fantasize and dream about, I still find myself stuck in the frame of mind of the juvenile who only pretends to have a life worth having. The thought of marriage, a once horrifying and unrealistic choice, suddenly seems appealing and safe; a thought that makes myself realize my own venerability to a point of almost disgust. What happened to the girl who had no problem being on her own in a room full of complete strangers; ready to conquer old fears of being rejected? What happened to the girl who was satisfied with her tiny, but adorable, apartment, fully equipped with empty but comfortable bed? Where did the girl who used to be thrilled empty space and silence go? She has all of a sudden been replaced with a cliche freak who desires a husband to come home to, a home, brimming with happiness of a husband and children, and most of all, a satisfaction to be with one person the rest of her life? At what point does a desire for independence turn into "shutting out the world?" and will there ever be a compromise between both worlds?
For as much love I have for "my own world"...I have fears of being stuck in it ...alone--forever.
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